The familiar feelings of frustration and anger at myself welled up again. Our peace isn’t supposed to be dependent on other people. As a Christian I know this is true. I know we are supposed to get our strength and peace from Christ alone. It’s clear in Scripture (see Ephesians 2:14 for example). It’s also ingrained in me from different circles where I’ve heard time and time again as Christian therapists and other experts mention emotional health, security, our internal peace — and none of these are supposed to depend on another person. We can achieve it regardless of other people’s choices. We can gain it through reliance on our Savior as we do our own internal work and learn to set boundaries.
Yet even knowing this full well, I sit at war with myself. Because the healing, the peace, the stability in who I am—it all seems so tenuous. So fleeting I can barely seem to grasp any of it, then it’s suddenly out of reach. Sometimes this cycle of striving can feel halted—a few internal boundaries set, quiet times with the Lord in a messy sort of rhythm—and a hint of confidence in that peace-no-matter-what-others-do grows. Until it doesn’t.
Only God knows the sound of those sobs that come out in the deepest parts of the grief and the darkness. The ache that still lingers in spite of trying, trying, trying.
Of course, we can and often should acknowledge when another person has a right response. But in our humanity, we know they might show a different side next time. The conversation could go a different route. The person’s behavior might be the opposite of what we had hoped and prayed for. So if our peace comes from a person? Sleepless nights, internal battles, and chaos.
Enter the 3 a.m. frustrations, questions, and an inability to rest that represented anything but peace.
The lack of peace isn’t just about where I feel I’m failing—not trusting enough, not relying enough, not seeking enough. Because even if I did do enough, if it were evenly humanly possible, would it ever outweigh that desperate, seemingly innate need for approval? Would it ever tamp down the people-pleasing, relationship-seeking, if-we’re-okay-then-I’m-okay mentality?
The Holy Spirit interrupted middle-of-the-night thoughts with a whisper.
I felt the Lord pressing on me the idea that He had already flipped my script. James 1:17-18 says, “Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession.” (NLT)
Gaining a sense of peace with a right response, a healthy conversation, a validation, an apology—it wasn’t about getting peace from that other person at all. God was showing me that it was His gift, His work in the hearts of human beings, His incredible mercy and goodness. His peace.
What if, in that moment, I could accept it as a gift from God? His orchestrating circumstances to allow a connection at the right time, for hearts to be open, the Holy Spirit to be working in spite of all the ugly stumbling blocks and rough edges in the way?
The peace in that moment no longer had to be tied to that other person. That shift in perspective makes it a different story, one that places it back where the focus belongs—on God.
The peace wasn’t coming from a person. It was coming from our Savior all along.
Create Space for Grace
Soak in God’s word. Let it wash over you. Create space to be with God in this moment. Breathe, pray, and consider a step he’s inviting you to take with him.
Breathe
Breathe in: Your word is true.
Breathe out: I am your prized possession.
Pray
Father God,
My aching heart needs its peace, security, and healing from you. Help me to see that you are providing it, even when I don’t realize it. Help me to extend grace where I need to, enact boundaries where I need to, and stay steady in your beautiful, unchangeable truth no matter what storms get in the way.
In Jesus Holy Name,
Amen
Take a Step With Jesus
Think or journal about the moments where you are able to see things in a different light to help you find future perspective shifts and gain peace.
Ask — Lord, how can I shift my thinking when I’m too focused on human interactions instead of the invitation into your goodness?